I get many emails from clients wanting to know the hidden secrets of deeper intimacy, connection, communion and accessing those blissful states that feel so good with a lover or partner.
Right? ... we all want this!
So why can deeper intimacy and connection be so elusive to us at times?
What facilitates this? I personally think it is a number of things but by far the most important one is being in a space of relaxation, safety and trust with one another.
But, you're not going to relax your body, and creates a feeling of safety sometimes ... just like that...and not just because someone is asking you to... right, or that your mind wants you to relax?
Sometimes our bodies are so strung up in tension that we simply cannot access a place of trust and relaxation inside ourselves. Or even though we know we are safe logically our body still feels tense and as if on guard.
So how can we even expect to open and surrender into bliss when the body feels tight and untrusting.
The first thing to do is get connected to how you are feeling. If you are feeling really tense its not always so useful to communicate anything from this place, particularly if there has been tension in the relating, unresolved emotional conflict or just the busyness of life and it's daily stresses.My advice in this case is to do something that eases the tension in your body first before you try to connect: exercise, play, go to nature, swim in the sea, have an epsom salt bath, do a breath meditation. (Something to help you feel more resourced)
Once you are feeling more connected to yourself and resourced share with your partner that you'd like to make time to connect, then find a time that suits you both that is free from distractions ie turn off the phone, put the kids to bed or leave them with a friend, and schedule a little quality time.
Once you have found the time you can begin by making the space private, warm, more inviting, candles, scents are great if you like that . Lie down together face to face and share something with your partner that you appreciate about them, look them in the eyes as you tell them. It could be something they have done in the last 24hrs it could be something you see in them, some quality they have.
Snuggle in a little closer - belly to belly, chest to chest, wrap your legs so that you can feel their whole body against yours - and then begin to slow time down.....extending the inhale, and extending the exhale.
You can place your hand on the back of their heart as you cuddle, make sure you are really comfortable and that you can let your weight go into one another.
Next as you exhale........ make a sound, yes that's right make a sound, culturally we are often so tense around making sound, just make an ahhhhhhh sound on the exhale, loud enough so that you can feel the vibration of the sound in your body, and you can also feel the vibration of THEIR sound with your hand on the back of their heart.
Stay here, breathing and sounding on the exhale, long, slow, deep , full breaths...... extending the inhale......extending the exhale.... slowing time down... getting REALLY luxurious with the breath...... as you relax.. see how deep the sound goes into your body.You can breath into the heart and sound, into the belly and sound and even into the hips/pelvis and sound. Let the soft animal of your body come alive with breath and sound.
It takes roughly 15 minutes (or longer) to fully down regulate the nervous system, so stay with it.
That's all there is to it.
See what naturally wants to emerge from here?
A nice thing to do once you feel relaxed is to open your eyes and eye gaze with one another, see what communication wants to happen with the eyes, beyond words, drop into a receptive gaze, allow yourself to be seen, and to receive your partner.
If you feel like you want to share with your partner what you are noticing at the level of sensation in your body ie- I have a soft warm feeling in my belly, my hands are tingling, keep sharing what sensations you notice backwards and forwards, until you feel complete, or follow the desires in those sensations, but try slowing things right down.... so that each sensation can be fully felt and savoured. letting go of the need to rush anywhere, let your touch be like a meditation of presence and connection, notice the subtle ways you try to grasp the next moment and the next and see if you can just let go a bit more each breath into just being here now.
If you do decide to go into sexual interaction try maintaining eye contact throughout the whole experience even, or try breathing deeply and relaxing into each and every sensation rather than chasing more sensation or more arousal. You can even try maintaining eye contact through orgasm should that occur, it could be fun! lets face it sex is funny sometimes.
Sometimes its nice to finish as you started gazing into one another eyes . Is there something about their face that feels different somehow, maybe something that wasn't there before? it can be fun to share something about your partners face that you are really enjoying about them in this moment or something about the interaction that really felt meaningful to you.
p.s if you would like an audio guided version of this journey go to the free resources page and try the partner practice audio there.