The Rich and Diverse Experience of Life
If we want to have an experience that goes beyond the linear approach of reaching orgasm through building energy and releasing, if we want to deepen and expand into our relational life and our sexual life and also inhabit the valleys in our life-force energy, Then, we need to pay attention to the whole wave of the Yin and Yang of life in other words periods of activation and deactivation in our nervous system.
Being With the Whole Wave.
Moving, making sound, the inhale, all these are an activation of the nervous system, the exhale and the pause afterward is deactivation. If we think about the experience of energy in our body like a wave, the activation ie sound, movement is the rise, the exhale and pause afterwards the fall of the wave. Think of the activation(yang) in the nervous system (ie during sex, stimulation) like throwing a pebble into a lake, this creates ripples through us, the deactivation(yin) in the nervous system (ie during sex, pausing, feeling, tuning in, being in stillness) allows the ripples to go all the way through, waiting until the lake is still before we throw another pebble, or in this case, stimulate, move, make a sound. As we exhale we can pause even before we inhale and allowing expansion sensing and feeling the ripples. ( we do not want to force or hold our breath too long in an uncomfortable way, pause for a while and allow the breath to be free here before you take another deep inhale and exhale with sound)
Most of us tend to focus on the charge, (ie the activation) we lose the fall of the wave and aren't as aware in the pause after the exhale (ie the deactivation) I think this is primarily because we have become wired this way, to prefer the intensity, we miss out on the sensitivity that we can experience in the deactivation phase.
The Preference for Intensity
To appreciate the Yin side of sex we have to at first give up our addiction to intensity and focussing on the charge of sexual and erotic energy and pay attention to what happens in the fall of the wave, this allows unwinding of the nervous system, places within us that are in freeze can begin to melt, this increases our capacity to feel, more of us can come online. We begin to inhabit the valleys of our emotional and sexual life. we can access the bliss and ecstasy that comes in waves with no goal, no destination but a deep and restorative reset.
Non-judgment of Our Experience
Along with the yin side of sexuality comes the ability to FEEL more, we must therefore also develop our ability to not judge our emotions, to be ok with however life is flowing through us, not needing it to be any other way. If we can do this completely with no agenda, we can become a vast river of life-force, rich with life and diversity, with spectacular cascading waterfalls as well as quiet babbling streams, there may be darker deeper channels in our river where the current slows and life is hiding out and waiting to be discovered.
It's also important in partner sex to have a chat with your partner about this, ask for what you need from your partner when emotions arise during sex: do you need reassurance? Do you need them to pause and ask you what you need? Do you like them to hold you? To be silent, still, patient, allowing, and are they a yes to this?
A fundamental part is also to know that this must be presented as a request and not a demand. It's important to have your own solo practice too where you can allow and feel the full range of yourself, to be able to hold yourself, be patient with yourself and give yourself what your body craves deep down. If we cannot do this for ourselves how can we expect our lovers to meet us there? (if you are experiencing something that feels too big it might be wise to hire a practitioner or seek out a friend you trust, a common habit is to expect our partners to hold it all for us, this is the definition of co-dependency)
Yin vs Yang
It may seem as though I am recommending to preference Yin over Yang, this is not the case, both have their place and one cannot exist without the other. We need the contrast, the inhale as well as the exhale, the movement as well as the stillness. Here in this article, I'm simply pointing to our tendency to focus too much on the charge (ie the activation) and bring our attention to the de-activation phase and the pleasure and expansion that can be found there.
Habits and Patterns
Its also worth noticing your habits and patterns in your sexual and emotional life. Notice the groove your body and expression prefer these will feel like well worn comfy shoes, your body knows this way of being it is a well-tracked route. If we want to create more expansion and extend our experience we need to walk down the roads less traveled. Noticing habitual ways we move, make sound, and express emotion or our sexual energy and pausing to see what might be underneath that pattern helps us to inhabit our full range of expression. On the downside of the wave we have space to do that, to feel and sense, see the well-worn groove and wait and see if there is an involuntary or spontaneous movement that is non-habitual or simply another pathway we can explore.
A really good powerful peak orgasm, a good scream, a cathartic release of grief is of course really awesome, especially if we have previously limited our expression - whether because of social conditioning or masks that we wear or if we have carried guilt and shame over our expression of life-force energy. Doing this helps us to access hidden reserves of power previously untapped. But it doesn't stop here, favouring activation can become a habit and pattern too. The body may even feel it wants that, you think that is what will bring you back into equilibrium, or bring you the most pleasure and the most powerful release. Sometimes, what our body craves is something more restorative this can reset us on a deep level. Yang expression makes us feel good straight afterward a lot of energy has been moved around and so that will make us feel better but it can also become an addictive and learned way of being. In our overstimulated and adrenalized culture, it is what is preferenced to some degree. I'm not saying to disregard it I'm saying to look if there is a habit that is keeping us in a cycle of activation and release where we never really drop into deep restorative equilibrium.
If you want to explore a Yin practice to bring you out of a funk try this: and if you feel to share with me your experience drop me a line. For more free resources and to see what else I offer visit my website www.yinsexuality.com