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The Anatomy of Arousal for Women

I felt to share a topic that is dear to my heart and that is one of “women’s sexual pleasure.”

Too many times in my work I am dealing with the dynamic with couples where the women has no sexual desire and the man is craving more sex.


On the surface it looks like the man is just the one with the higher sex drive, but I say there is a deeper underlying issue, and that is that women are not aware and/or not taking responsibility for what they really crave sexually and asking for it.


When sex is just a paint by numbers approach and a physical experience of learning which buttons to push a women’s sexual desire will wain. Especially, if it is all about reaching the big O. It becomes 2 dimensional and after some time loses its appeal. Sure lust is great in the beginning, but what we really crave, what women really crave is a partner who can go all the way, who can penetrate her heart with his cock, with his love, with his presence, and penetrate it with power as well as being in her heart with her. She needs to feel his presence and that he is there for her in the act of lovemaking no matter what, then she can relax and go deeper.


The emotional landscape of female sexuality can hold many flavours, shame, distruct, rage, sadness and even deep vulnerability, if we are able to go through all of this without denying any of it, just welcoming each changing state and allowing it to flow through us with someone, it can be incredibly heart opening and build deeper levels of intimacy, trust, connection and juiciness.


The other thing to note about women’s sexual arousal is first and foremost for her full sexual arousal network to kick in she needs to feel SAFE. Her arousal starts in the parasympathetic nervous system, the nervous system that is operating when we are at rest. It is not until our bodies feel deep trust that the full arousal can start to happen, and then we move in the sympathetic nervous system as arousal and excitement and excitement builds. Too many times we may try to kick start our arousal system when there is not a feeling of deep trust and safety, maybe we feel rushed that we are taking too long, that he is more aroused, all of these things can hinder our capacity for deep arousal, and ultimately the nourishment of fulfilling pleasure.


There is so much more to women’s sexual pleasure that the pussy, our whole body is a sex organ AND there is so many more pleasure points in the yoni than the tip the clitoris , sure that is an incredibly sensitive and pleasurable spot on a woman yoni but the tip of the clitoris is just a tiny part of the full arousal network . When the whole system is engaged sexual arousal feels way different, penetration feels much more pleasurable, orgasms are deeper and more fulfilling and sex takes on a whole deeper level. When we are emotionally engaged, when our heart is opening, and the whole of the yoni is activated it is an entirely different story.It is when we are in these really heightened states of arousal that we can have more mystical experiences of sexual union, with ourselves, with the cosmos with God even, as well as with the beloved in front of us.


Sex HAS the potential to take us back to THE source, sex can be a prayer, a spiritual practice, a meditation. I have had my most mystical experiences through sex not through spiritual practices of meditation.


When I was 30 I had an incredible experience of merging with everything. At the time I was studying tantra and reading a lot of books about tantric techniques for lovemaking. I had no idea of the potential back then, I was just interested to make sex more spiritual, I intuitively knew that sexual union could take me back to God, and I wanted that more than anything.

From a young age I had tried to figure out the meaning of life, why were we all here? How were we ever going to truly know ourselves? What was God and did he/she exist? What happened when we died? I wanted proof that what I saw here on this earth wasn’t the whole picture to my existence . And so I got on the path of Tantra.


Luckily I had a willing partner, I think he just wanted the sex and was ok to do all these weird things with me, especially if it meant it increased our chances of having sex for longer. Anyway, one day whilst making love I visualised ( like the book said to) that we were one entity, one body with 4 arms, 4 legs and 2 heads. I visualised it and then I began to feel it. As I embodied the feeling of us being one BEING it seemed to trip a switch in me, in my innocence I opened a portal and began to merge into oneness with everything! Information began to stream into my consciousness, all of my questions were answered, it's incredibly hard to put words to the experience but the closest I can get to it is to say – all I felt was this pure incredible love, and a feeling of remembering, in my mind I could hear myself saying was…. “of course!” I became telepathic with my partner, time did not exist. The experience and energy was so profound I could barely speak afterwards.


I never spoke to him about it and to this day I do not know what his experience was. We sat in bed afterwards both staring at the wall in front of us, no words needed, just a state of pure calm. It's funny because I have a really difficult relationship with this man, he is the father of my son, this time was around the conception of my son. We have never really understood each other emotionally, there isn’t a deep spiritual or soul resonance, so I have no idea why this happened with him, it's a mystery…. and I am still in the mystery. In fact it was this experience that really got me hooked on the tantris path all those years ago, and I am still hooked and finding more and more wisdom through this path which isn’t just about sex to me Tantra is about life, it is very hard to define but to me it’s a path of Self Realization, of embracing polarities within ourselves, integrating and loving all parts back home.

So back to pleasure…..


For all the women out there, do you know what gives you pleasure? Do you know what you really desire? Have you ever sat with that question with a partner? it can be a powerful practice to set up a scenario where your partner is just there to serve your desires whatever they are, be they sexual or not, and see where it leads you. Do it for at least an hour, I guarantee you will have fun if nothing else and maybe you will learn something about how connected you are to what you want! It can be hard at first sometimes to connect into your desire, especially if most of your life you have focussed on fulfilling other peoples, take your time and trust, sit with it and try to find and feel your authentic desires, speak them out, even if they seem inappropriate, too much, ridiculous or simple whatever is real, and keep digging deeper.


Once we really get to know our desires, and our anatomy, then we have a much better chance of having the types of sexual experiences we really crave, and then if we are having the kinds of sexual experiences that deeply fulfil us, and aren’t about meeting another needs then surely we are going to be more interested in actually engaging sexually.


Taking responsibility for our desires, for our pleasure, is really important for our well-being. Without pleasure in our lives we become dull, pinched, listless, we find other things to try to compensate for its lack. We can become more moody, critical and grumpy. When a woman is fulfilled sexually and emotionally she is more radiant, more loving, has many more of the feel good chemicals running through her system, but it needs to be deeply fulfilling heart opening sexuality, not just a quick fix, that will deplete us eventually.


It takes a great man to hold the space for a woman’s deep pleasure, he has to let go of his need to release, and be free of goal orientation, to be able to be on the journey and develop his ability to be present. And that's a whole other topic!



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